i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
