Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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