somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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