Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
