There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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