I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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