Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
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