Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
