I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
