I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
