No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
