dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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