But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Randomize
