and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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