True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
