my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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