I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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