if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
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