Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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