let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
