Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
We named our party play list daddy issues
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
