Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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