dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
