last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
