he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
