I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
