he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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