He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize