I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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