I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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