Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
someone get that fucking seahorse.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
