is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
