Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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