So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
