if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Randomize
