i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
