Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
