Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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