By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
