Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
