we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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