It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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