This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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