The maid of honor just puked.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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