We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
