gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
