I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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