he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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