In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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