I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I wish life had little blips of pornography
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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