So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
