I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
