I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Randomize
