Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
