So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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