just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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