guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i dont even know how to be here
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
