He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
