Little spoons don't ask big questions
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
