i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
